Children entering adolescence face three big challenges during this developmental stage:-
Biological (physical changes)
Psychological (changes in thinking and feeling)
Social (changes in relationships)
Biological (physical changes)
Psychological (changes in thinking and feeling)
Social (changes in relationships)
We have covered the first 2, now we will look at the social ramifications for teens and parents.
Adolescents are predominately interested in themselves and their relationship with others, meaning they would rather spend time alone or with their friends/peers.Although children become more focused on their friends during this time as they are seemingly getting their help and support from them, family will still remain an important influence. Ultimately, adolescents tend to follow their parent’s lead and end up being more similar in their values, beliefs and behaviours.
In contrast to the widely held picture of adolescents having major conflict with parents, most teenagers report a positive relationship within their families.
However, adolescents are typically more negative and have more conflicts with their parents than usual at this time. These are usually over minor issues like homework, tasks to be done at home and television or computer time. Although this may wear on a parent’s patience, it is a sign of growing up, seeking independence, developing confidence and taking responsibility. Arguing within a family can allow young people to express and assert themselves in a safe environment, before they assert themselves in the outside world. The child will learn through your example what is the best way to be true to themselves, be heard and achieve a desirable outcome.
Adolescents experiencing all this growth will go through periods of shut down (sleeping a lot or just sitting in front of the TV), malfunction (seeming crazy and irrational) and overactivity (can’t sit still or jumpy or the inability to concentrate), and sometimes this can all happen in one day!
The good news is your child will survive all of this, and so will you. You will have highs and lows, however overall the outcome is generally one of producing an adult that you can be very proud of in the years to come.
They key is gaining the knowledge and communication skills to best understand your teenager and for all involved to be patient with this process. It is very important during this time to take a step back and oversee the situation and ask yourself are you being the parent your child needs, or are you being the parent you think you ‘should’ be or the parent your parents were. The most helpful parent is the one your child needs right now.
o Could you arrange regular one on one time with your teenager doing something you both like together? This will help you and them not feel so isolated or left out, and encourage sharing of ideas, thoughts and feelings about life in general.
o Next time you find yourself in conflict with your teenager, ask yourself “What is this really about?” Is this argument really about homework, or is it about the adolescent asserting their independence and their need to have more say in what they do? If you see it from their perspective you are less likely to take things personally and more likely to respond calmly and constructively as issues arise.
o How could you be more sensitive and responsive to your teenager during this time of growth? How could you better understand what they are going through? How could you be present with your child and listen more? How could you be more flexible with this stage? Asking yourself these questions may enable you to do something differently to get a better response from your child so you can find it easier to have the outcome you are looking for.
o How could you express your needs and feelings to your teenager without blame, judgement or criticism? In doing this you may allow your child to take in what you are saying, express their point of view and both of you come to an agreement that will more than likely be followed through on.
o What changes could you make to your life now that you are having more time on your hands? What hobby could you take up? Have you wanted to do something, like volunteer work but never had the time? What else could you be putting your energy into now that your teenager is growing up and taking less of your time each day?
o Have you considered writing things down for your teenager rather than just giving them verbal instructions that they don’t always follow through on? You could create a list or a diary for them with what you would like them to achieve. You could also leave thank you and I love you notes to bring a smile to their face when you are not around. You could even implement a reward system when their list is complete. In this way there is no chance of them forgetting (as teenagers do). It also allows them to be responsible for the consequences of lists not being followed through on. Taking all this into account may avoid unnecessary conflict.
In closing a quote for your consideration:
“If a child sees his parents day in and day out behaving with self discipline, restraint, dignity and a capacity to order their own lives, then the child will come to feel in the deepest fibres of his being that this is the way to live”.
M. Scott Peck
o Next time you find yourself in conflict with your teenager, ask yourself “What is this really about?” Is this argument really about homework, or is it about the adolescent asserting their independence and their need to have more say in what they do? If you see it from their perspective you are less likely to take things personally and more likely to respond calmly and constructively as issues arise.
o How could you be more sensitive and responsive to your teenager during this time of growth? How could you better understand what they are going through? How could you be present with your child and listen more? How could you be more flexible with this stage? Asking yourself these questions may enable you to do something differently to get a better response from your child so you can find it easier to have the outcome you are looking for.
o How could you express your needs and feelings to your teenager without blame, judgement or criticism? In doing this you may allow your child to take in what you are saying, express their point of view and both of you come to an agreement that will more than likely be followed through on.
o What changes could you make to your life now that you are having more time on your hands? What hobby could you take up? Have you wanted to do something, like volunteer work but never had the time? What else could you be putting your energy into now that your teenager is growing up and taking less of your time each day?
o Have you considered writing things down for your teenager rather than just giving them verbal instructions that they don’t always follow through on? You could create a list or a diary for them with what you would like them to achieve. You could also leave thank you and I love you notes to bring a smile to their face when you are not around. You could even implement a reward system when their list is complete. In this way there is no chance of them forgetting (as teenagers do). It also allows them to be responsible for the consequences of lists not being followed through on. Taking all this into account may avoid unnecessary conflict.
In closing a quote for your consideration:
“If a child sees his parents day in and day out behaving with self discipline, restraint, dignity and a capacity to order their own lives, then the child will come to feel in the deepest fibres of his being that this is the way to live”.
M. Scott Peck
Kirsty http://www.unity-qld.com.au/
