Overcoming What May Seem Unfair Suffering

Every now and again I re-read the great speech from Martin Luther-King. It gives me inspiration as well as perspective on how to have a dream, pursue it and also do it with 'grace and style' or in his words, dignity and discipline.

Today a certain part struck me:

..."You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with
the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive."

I began to think about this powerful statement. The words creative suffering first; as I thought how can suffering be creative? Then it dawned on me that we could replace creative with original or even unique, which led me to understand it as rather than feel vicitmised by the suffering in our experiences, why not accept that our reactions to that suffering are our own creations, so therefore we can re-create that reaction and possibly get completely different outcomes more in line with what is desired.

I then continued to wonder about 'unearned suffering is redemptive'. Immediately I knew this to me meant that anything that may feel unfair or unjust, has a way of allowing me to choose to be released from the feelings of suffering and then begin to experience more liberation and freedom that what I may of before the situation came along. In turn this redemption, or liberation from the suffering often provides the drive and determination to make a difference for someone, something or even globally.

I have always resonated with the saying 'adversity breeds greatness' and I feel that it is from the darkest times that the light has the opportunity to shine the brightest.

Kirsty O'Callaghan

http://www.unity-qld.com.au

Kirsty's take on TRUST

I recently was in a situation where I had to sit back and trust the process and believe that the best outcome for all would come about. This time was definately one of the most unsettling yet satisfying weeks I have had recently. I thought I would share with you my thoughts on trust and what I remembered to get through.

When you think of trust, you usually relate it to who you trust, or put your trust in something or someone. Very rarely do I hear people saying they trust themselves or trust that they will make the right choices and/or decisions.

This surprises me as without trust in yourself and your own judgement, how do you listen to your inner wisdom, how do you know what to do if anything; and how do you know who in that moment you can share the experience with? If you have little or no trust in your own decision making process, how do you know you have appropriately allocated the situation to someone who is best suited to be trusted?

Trust takes a firm belief in your current abilities and a confidence in your inner voice. Trust also lets you take that ‘leap of faith’ into unknown circumstances, knowing that your actions and efforts are enough to see you through. To trust yourself is to tell yourself that you are good enough, you know yourself well enough and you are trustworthy.

The most empowering thing I have learnt in my life so far is that the only thing I can really control is me and my actions and re-actions. With hope, faith and trust in myself, I know that even if I make a wrong decision it will lead to a right decision next time. I have also found that by having hope, faith and trust in me, I am more committed to my personal choice in beliefs, philosophies and the way I choose to live my life. The flow on effect is that I genuinely accept and respect others beliefs and choices, as they do mine.

I feel inspired every day to do my best, find reason in situations so that I may improve and expand. This all comes about due to feeling resourceful because I trust me, I have faith and most importantly I have hope.

In closing, we all feel untrustworthy or let down at times, but by building on this skills in yourself, knowing you are definitely worth it, believing you can do it, you give yourself permission to be happier and more in control. Then when you do make choices on trusting others, having faith, surrendering the situation and looking for hope in the world, you will not only see it clearly but choose the right one, thing, action or person for you.

Kirsty O'Callaghan
www.unity-qld.com.au

CHOICE MANAGEMENT

When looking at your day and attempting to manage time, how many of you fail? How many of you get distracted, lack discipline and feel you cannot make the deadline? I believe this is an after effect of simply wanting to manage time.

You cannot manage time, it is there, it doesn’t change, there is never any more or less time and the sun will still come up when it does and set when it does. Take back control and managing choices in the time that is available.

Managing your choices (instead of managing time) allows you to implement a schedule of chosen tasks and then do the right ones in right order. The important thing to remember is that there are no right or wrong set of choices and actions, there is only the right ones for you. What is important and works for one person rarely works the same way for another. It is about finding your balance, what is important to you and then set about achieving.

There are a couple of easy steps you can use to start which will make a big impact in managing your choices:-

o A powerful question that assists in this process is “What is the best use of my time right now”. Immediately you will find that you are drawn to what is of benefit in the moment. It could be organising your desk, tidying your home or work area, having a break, finishing a paper or making a phone call. Asking this question will bring you back to task.
o Write a list of all the things that you need and want to be done (including work, home duties, recreational and you time). Keeping lists is a very powerful tool in staying on track and gaining a sense of achievement as you cross things off.
o Clear your space. A big reason people find themselves unmotivated and lacking organisation is that their home/office is cluttered and untidy. It is so easy to be distracted and feel bogged down. In the back of their mind it is a reminder of more ‘work’ to do.
o It is very important to allocate high energy tasks, whether thinking or doing, in your high energy time of day. Be mindful of what time of the day you choose to be studying, working, doing housework or resting.
o Clearly communicate and engage support from someone close to you. This will help you to keep on task as well as your support person can organise their choices and time in a manner that aids your achievements.

Most importantly, acknowledge your achievements each day and reflect. Whilst reflecting, without judgement, ask yourself “did I do my best today and what can I do better tomorrow?” This is the true path of excellence.

Kirsty O’Callaghan
www.unity-qld.com.au

BOOK REVIEW - THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

“The Five Love Languages, How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate”, is a book written by Gary Chapman. It is an amazing book which provides an insight into ourselves and others, and how we perceive genuine love should be expressed to us. As the book points out, if it is not expressed in our way it is often not validated or given importance, which can create communication breakdowns that may lead to unhappiness.

Being able to understand our own ‘love language’ as well as our partner’s, children, family members’ or close others’, gives us the ability to communicate what is important to us and why, and also for us to give in a way that is important to whoever you wish to show your love and appreciation to.

Gary Chapman has defined love language into five specific areas:

o Quality Time. This language is spoken by giving someone your undivided attention. Focusing on that person to give them time and do things with them. The central aspect of quality time is togetherness. When in conversation, during quality time, it is done with a genuine desire to understand the thoughts, feelings and desires behind the words being spoken.

o Words of Affirmation. This language is spoken by using words that build up someone. Verbally affirming a person has tremendous power. Compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straight forward statements. Words of affirmation also inspire courage in others which can reduce the feelings of insecurity and unmet potential. When we communicate love we must use kind words. Love makes requests, not demands. Words are important.

o Gifts. A gift to someone who speaks this language tells them that you were thinking of them, value them and are symbols of the love you have for them. Symbols have emotional value. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the cost will matter little. The gift of self is also very valid; being there when someone needs you speaks loudly to them of your love.

o Acts of Service. This language is spoken in doing things you know someone would like you to do. You please them by being of service and helpful. These actions and tasks are done with a positive spirit. Listen to the requests of the person you would like to express love to in ‘their language’ and appropriately select tasks to be done and do without prompting.

o Physical Touch. Physical touch is a powerful communicator for expressing love. Without loving touch, for those who have this language, a person feels unloved and empty. To be held when upset or feeling vulnerable or during a time of crisis is very important to those who speak this language. To touch a part of the body just while sitting or holding hands while walking, even running your hands through their hair is an emotional lifeline for these people.

When we are aware what language we need ‘spoken’ to us, and what the other person’s language is that they need ‘spoken’ to them, we can create an environment where we feel an adequate supply of affection so our emotional wellbeing is stable. We can avoid situations where a person may feel unworthy, taken for granted, unloved or misunderstood.

An excerpt from the book, The Five Love Languages:

“Love is a choice…We are creatures of choice…That means that we have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us have done. Poor choices in the past don’t mean that we must make them in the future. Instead we can say, I’m sorry. I know I have hurt you, but I would like to make the future different. I would like to love you in your language. I would like to meet your needs.

I have seen marriages rescued from the brink of divorce when couples make the choice to love.

When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.”

To start to discover your love language, you can ask yourself the question:

o I feel most loved by my partner when…

This may give insights as to how you best like receiving love and feel emotionally validated.

You can also go to Gary Chapman’s website and do the quick quiz he has there to establish your love language.

o www.fivelovelanguages.com

You may also like to do the quiz featured in his book, if you have it.

Once you have discovered how love languages work you can go about reviving your relationship, reconnecting with your children, or enjoying your family and friends in a more meaningful way. When the emotional need for love is met, it creates a climate where the people can deal with the rest of life in a much more productive manner.

This is one way that you may find helpful to you to not only have your emotional needs met, but meet the emotional needs of others close and important to you.

Kirsty O'Callaghan
www.unity-qld.com.au

Understanding Non Verbal Communication

I recently did a video for Parents of challenging and difficult children. I mentioned in the video how important it was to be aware of non verbal communication from your child. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASZD1tuYv1YQ.
I have since been asked why is having an understanding of Non Verbal Communication so important? Here is a basic run down of what non verbal communication is.

The reason it is important to understand non verbal communication is that we gather more meaning from the messages and conversation from others through their tone of voice and body language than from the spoken word. Non verbal communication can account for upwards of 80% as to how the message is understood by the receiver.

Non verbal communication includes:-

. Tone of voice – e.g. angry, happy, excited, nervous
. Facial Expressions – e.g. frown, smile, twitch
. Gestures – e.g. waving, thumbs up, making a fist, pointing
. Posture – e.g. slouched, arms crossed, looking down, looking away
. Eye contact – e.g. looking to sides, eye rolling, overly staring, avoiding eye contact
. Personal space needs – e.g. uncomfortable distance apart, too far or too close

When we can translate non verbal signals as well as spoken words and check for congruency we are better able to fully understand others, who also may feel more heard. It is also helpful when assessing a the other persons current position and how we can be of most help to them right now.

There are also cultural differences in non verbal communication. If you are in the company of a person from another cultural background it is always helpful to research some of their cultures gestures. You may find what is considered ok for us is rude for them. You may also find personal space and eye contact has very different meanings for them.

Being an effective and successful communicator demands that we are perceptive and intuitive. These skills are perfected by our ability to read others body language and check that the spoken word and non verbal communication agrees with what is being said. When we get a ‘hunch’ or have a ‘gut feeling’ this is usually what we have ‘heard’ from non verbal queues of others.

Kirsty O'Callaghan
www.unity-qld.com.au

W.I.N.K (What I Now Know) There will be no white flag above my door!

This week I wanted to share with you what I thought was going to set me back, and undo a lot of the hard work it had taken for me to get this far with my healing.

When illness threatened to rear it's ugly head again this week I started to get caught up in all those negative thoughts and feelings that I had lived with for twenty years. Had the hard yards been worth it, only to end up in exactly the same place? I could have chosen to stay in that same place, after al it was familiar territory. I would at least know what to expect!

The problem was the last six months of healing had given me a glimpse into a world I hadn't seen since I was a child. It was a world of happiness, excitement, hope and endless possibilities. It was a world I really wanted to be a part of. After coming to this decision, I was able to experience something really extraordinary.

It seems I was able to stop the pain and illness dead in it's tracks. I know I shouldn't have been surprised about this, but I have to admit I really was. Illness and pain will not be following me into next week, or the next. The hard yards are definately worth it. I'm workth it.

So there will be no white flag above my door!

Lynda Alderton
for www.unity-qld.com.au

What I Now Know (W.I.N.K) You Can't Always Fake It Till You Make It

Have you heard of the saying 'Fake it until you make it'? Have you ever found this applying to the way you live your life? Is it the side of you that you show to the rest of the world? I had decided a long time ago that I was definately going to fake it until I made it. The problem was I was so busy faking it, I forgot to make it!

During those years where I was consumed by ill health, numerous surgeries and the roller coaster ride of IVF, I found that the sad story of my life was sometimes too hard and depressing for the people around me to take. I didn't want to be the person who, or the reason that brought every one around me down. So I created a mask to present to the world, so nobody had to know that I really wasn't coping with my situation. I became so caught up in pretending I was okay, that I forgot to actually be okay. I have not learnt that the energy required to make sure you are doing a good job of faking it, actually takes away from the energy you could be putting into making it.

So if you choose to go down this road of faking it, don't forget that you still need to make it.

Lynda Alderton.

KIRSTY'S INSIGHT:
Faking it till you make it has been so overused, watered down and misunderstood that it is no surprise the 'magic' in it has gone for some people.

What this saying really means I have found and believe, is once you are in touch with your inspiration, your goals and dreams, and most importantly what is of most value to you in your world; you begin the journey of learning how to think, behave and feel as if you are that now. This sends powerful signals to your 'being' that we can do this, I am on the right track and giving up is not an option because this is who I was always meant to be.

Opportunities suddenly present themself clearly to you, you surround yourself in situations and people that support that inspired and purposeful part of you, and because you believe you can, so do others. You are also more equipped mentally, physically and emotionally to deal with set backs because you are in touch with where it is you want to go and who you want to be and how you are going to make a difference in your world.

It was never really about faking it, it was never about showing the world you can or are, it was definately never about being what you thought others expected or needed you to be; it was always about acting as if you already were where you feel, know and believe you are meant to be and having the experiences along the way that support you, push you and polish you to be the master of your creations and outcomes.

Have a wonderful week of 'making it' happen.

Kirsty O'Callaghan
www.unity-qld.com.au