ADOLESCENCE - Social Changes

Children entering adolescence face three big challenges during this developmental stage:-

Biological (physical changes)
Psychological (changes in thinking and feeling)
Social (changes in relationships)

We have covered the first 2, now we will look at the social ramifications for teens and parents.

Adolescents are predominately interested in themselves and their relationship with others, meaning they would rather spend time alone or with their friends/peers.

Although children become more focused on their friends during this time as they are seemingly getting their help and support from them, family will still remain an important influence. Ultimately, adolescents tend to follow their parent’s lead and end up being more similar in their values, beliefs and behaviours.

In contrast to the widely held picture of adolescents having major conflict with parents, most teenagers report a positive relationship within their families.

However, adolescents are typically more negative and have more conflicts with their parents than usual at this time. These are usually over minor issues like homework, tasks to be done at home and television or computer time. Although this may wear on a parent’s patience, it is a sign of growing up, seeking independence, developing confidence and taking responsibility. Arguing within a family can allow young people to express and assert themselves in a safe environment, before they assert themselves in the outside world. The child will learn through your example what is the best way to be true to themselves, be heard and achieve a desirable outcome.

Adolescents experiencing all this growth will go through periods of shut down (sleeping a lot or just sitting in front of the TV), malfunction (seeming crazy and irrational) and overactivity (can’t sit still or jumpy or the inability to concentrate), and sometimes this can all happen in one day!

The good news is your child will survive all of this, and so will you. You will have highs and lows, however overall the outcome is generally one of producing an adult that you can be very proud of in the years to come.

They key is gaining the knowledge and communication skills to best understand your teenager and for all involved to be patient with this process. It is very important during this time to take a step back and oversee the situation and ask yourself are you being the parent your child needs, or are you being the parent you think you ‘should’ be or the parent your parents were. The most helpful parent is the one your child needs right now.

o Could you arrange regular one on one time with your teenager doing something you both like together? This will help you and them not feel so isolated or left out, and encourage sharing of ideas, thoughts and feelings about life in general.

o Next time you find yourself in conflict with your teenager, ask yourself “What is this really about?” Is this argument really about homework, or is it about the adolescent asserting their independence and their need to have more say in what they do? If you see it from their perspective you are less likely to take things personally and more likely to respond calmly and constructively as issues arise.

o How could you be more sensitive and responsive to your teenager during this time of growth? How could you better understand what they are going through? How could you be present with your child and listen more? How could you be more flexible with this stage? Asking yourself these questions may enable you to do something differently to get a better response from your child so you can find it easier to have the outcome you are looking for.

o How could you express your needs and feelings to your teenager without blame, judgement or criticism? In doing this you may allow your child to take in what you are saying, express their point of view and both of you come to an agreement that will more than likely be followed through on.

o What changes could you make to your life now that you are having more time on your hands? What hobby could you take up? Have you wanted to do something, like volunteer work but never had the time? What else could you be putting your energy into now that your teenager is growing up and taking less of your time each day?

o Have you considered writing things down for your teenager rather than just giving them verbal instructions that they don’t always follow through on? You could create a list or a diary for them with what you would like them to achieve. You could also leave thank you and I love you notes to bring a smile to their face when you are not around. You could even implement a reward system when their list is complete. In this way there is no chance of them forgetting (as teenagers do). It also allows them to be responsible for the consequences of lists not being followed through on. Taking all this into account may avoid unnecessary conflict.

In closing a quote for your consideration:

“If a child sees his parents day in and day out behaving with self discipline, restraint, dignity and a capacity to order their own lives, then the child will come to feel in the deepest fibres of his being that this is the way to live”.
M. Scott Peck

Kirsty http://www.unity-qld.com.au/

ADOLESCENCE - Psychological (changes in thinking and feeling)

In our last post we looked at the Biological changes (physical changes) in our teens. This post we will look at the ways they are thinking and feeling.

Adolescents are starting to realise that they are different from their parents and the rest of the world and that their parents are imperfect. They are beginning to develop their own sense of identity and increase in independence. It is a time where they are working out their own values and beliefs. They are also realising that there are new possibilities open to them and are less likely to accept things the way they are or believe in something just because an adult says so.

Teenagers often refuse to believe that anybody, especially their parents could understand the new and intense feelings they are experiencing, however they have a tendency to take things personally, blame themselves and others when things go ‘wrong’ and jump to conclusions about what others are thinking of them and feeling.

In their search for their unique identity, adolescents may assume that they are invincible and that nothing bad will happen to them. They may engage in risk taking behaviour. They can show sound judgement and are capable of making good decisions; however this is sometimes overshadowed by how they can give more weight to immediate rather than long term consequences. Adolescents need help from their parents to make decisions that have long term implications and risks.

Adolescents can go from demanding autonomy at one moment to being very needy the next. This can be a confusing time for any parent wondering how much freedom to give whilst taking into account the level of maturity, as well as dealing with how the teenager is communicating their needs.

Next time you find yourself in conflict with your teenager, ask yourself “What is this really about?” Is this argument really about homework, or is it about the adolescent asserting their independence and their need to have more say in what they do? If you see it from their perspective you are less likely to take things personally and more likely to respond calmly and constructively as issues arise. Talk to your teen about what is important to them. With hold from any judgement or being viewed as minimising their opinion. Just listen. This will allow you to use conversation in a more relatable way, talking in language that relates to what is important to them. This will guarantee they give you more attention and more time before they switch off or shut you down.

Next entry we will look at the social changes going on for our teen.

Kirsty http://www.unity-qld.com.au/

ADOLESCENCE - Biological (physical changes)

As we spoke about in last post, children entering adolescence face three big challenges during this developmental stage:-

Biological (physical changes)
Psychological (changes in thinking and feeling)
Social (changes in relationships)

This post is all about the Biological Challenge:

The first signs of physical changes vary from person to person. These can range from ‘growth spurts’ in height and/or weight to hair growth in private areas and face region for boys. Their bodies are also undergoing growth on the inside. A huge increase in production of hormones is happening (testosterone for boys and oestrogen for girls) and glands in skin are becoming more active and often over active.

These hormonal changes lead to sexual growth, including changes in body shape, full development of sexual organs, changes to skin, and voice changes in boys and menstruation for girls.

No wonder a teenager gets so preoccupied in how they look. These changes can lead to a period of appearing ‘gangly’, out of proportion, and some things growing larger and others still catching up, all the while their skin may also appear blotchy or the experience of acne.

Think about life with your teenager over the past two weeks. Have you noticed any physical changes described in the above information? How are they feeling about these changes? Have you asked them? Think of some positive comments you can make to help your teenager feel good about the changes that you have noticed. This will help build up positive self esteem for your child as well as allowing your child to see you are still interested in them and what is going on for them now. It may also open a dialogue with your teen that previously wasn't available.

Next post we will look at the Psychological (changes in thinking and feeling) that your teen may be undergoing.

Kirsty http://www.unity-qld.com.au/

ADOLESCENCE

For me I have a pre-teen and a teen. It is a fascinating and challenging time, watching them push boundaries, discover and define themselves and their relationships with others and the world around them.

Over the next few posts I am going to share some insight into what is happening at this age and then some suggestions as to how we, as parents, can deal with issues that present to us.

Adolescence is a time of rapid and dramatic change. With the exception of infancy, the amount and speed of physical growth and change for adolescents is greater than in any other time in a person’s life.

During these years of growth for the child, anytime from 10 years to 20 years of age, parents and/or other adults in the place of providing care for these children find they need to adapt their parenting style to suit the changing needs of adolescents.

Parents and/or care givers experiencing adolescent behaviour often are left feeling some or all of the following:-

Inadequate, unappreciated, unheard, unhelpful, confused, angry, loss of their ‘babies’, lack of control over the situation, left out, uninformed, under valued and concerned for the future of the child.

These feelings can lead to stress or unease within oneself, as well as through the whole family or situation.

Parents may constantly feel their home has turned into a battle ground or a place of unrest instead of a place of harmony.

Being aware of the changes that are happening for the child, and seeking help, support and current information in this specific area, will allow the parent and/or care giver an ability to understand and manage the teenager more effectively.

Children entering adolescence face three big challenges during this developmental stage:-

Biological (physical changes)
Psychological (changes in thinking and feeling)
Social (changes in relationships)

Next blog we will look closer at the biological/physical changes that are happening.

Kirsty - http://www.unity-qld.com.au/

OUR NEW FAMILY MEMBER

Well you are home, with new family member in tow. Any routine you did have is out the window and you have someone who is just over the height of a ruler sending full grown adults running around chasing their tails. With eyes hanging out of your head, a full night’s sleep is a distant memory and you have never seen so much washing in your life. You begin to see floors and cupboards disappear behind a veil of dust and who ever thought the bed would constantly be unmade! You wait patiently for a look, cuddle or the side of your baby’s mouth to curl into the promise of a smile to allow you to melt and make it all worthwhile.

You have many people giving you advice based on their experiences, you have books telling you what is going on and doctors and nurses directing you on the right path. Somewhere in all this there can be times you stop to listen to you and your baby, the experts in your situation I believe. I have also found the quieter our own inner guidance gets; the less we stop and ‘listen’ to our babies needs, the louder others voices get; the more tired, exhausted and defeated we may feel.

The first 2 – 6 months of your little ones life can be a tiring and busy. Not only are you adapting to the change in your home, your body is also healing from the pregnancy and birth. You follow the need to put your baby first and you last, and everyone and everything else in between. This can be overwhelming until you are screaming on the inside....HELLLLLLOOOOOO, need some help here! The more uptight you become, you start to notice the more your baby goes along with this, and looses their sense of calm and peace too. You also need to keep up with the constant changes in baby’s routine. There are so many milestones during this time and so much advise of what they ‘should’ be doing, eating, sleeping, wearing, not wearing. I mean, what if your baby does not point at the right time, or I would hate to think the effect on their development if there was no interest in solid food or the like at the right time! (Joking!)

I have now three children, and not one of them did things at the exact same time, didn’t reach a milestone right on the date specified, could of been earlier or later. None of them have been the same. Mind you, all 3 of them are healthy, happy and fitting in age appropriately to their environment. I found especially with my 2 year old who is 10 years younger than his sister and 12 years younger than his brother; I am more relaxed and allow him to do what he does when he does it, listening more to him and me. I often have referred to my “What to Expect” series of books for some guidance or confirmations, however that is all I have done. This has allowed me room to be a ‘better’ parent this time by giving more time and thought to my needs, communicating this as well as enjoying and taking time to understand my sons ‘launguage’ and respond to his immediate needs and not push him a certain way or give no attention to what I have been told is unimportant. From this I believe his is very happy, developmentally right on time, and confident and has slept through since an early age. He certainly has no issue communicating his needs, knowing he is heard! He also rarely gets sick and his immune system is functioning well, from what I think is contributed in part to less stress in his little life.

Consider these questions when you get home with your new family member:

. With all the wonderful advice I am getting, what feels right for me and my baby?

. Can I take time each day to listen to my needs and what my body needs right now while it is healing from this experience?

. How can I take more time to listen to my baby and understand his/her language?

. How can I communicate to others my needs? Do I let people know what I would like to do? Do I ask for help when I need it? Do I put my baby’s needs over the needs of other people’s best intentions to help? Do I create a routine that works for me?

. Do I trust myself to get this right, if I just sat and listened to me and my baby? Do I know that ‘mother really does know best’ in this situation?

. What can I be doing differently or better every day to make this time of change more special and less challenging?

Remember that you chose this time for you and your baby chose you. There is much to learn for both of you, however together you are an unstoppable team.

Kirsty http://www.unity-qld.com.au/

Parent Coaching

Parent-coaching can be a very valuable support for parents or parents to be. Coaches know that parents don’t need ‘fixing’, just the chance to see their situation differently. Coaching provides parents with an opportunity:

1. to gain skills and knowledge to face change with confidence.
2. to discuss strategies to deal with the challenges that modern day parents face.
3. to become observers of their own behaviour as we can only change what we are aware of and acknowledge.
4. to make appropriate choices about changing their way of being.
5. to put steps into place to approach their relationship with their children differently.
6. to be accountable for the changes they wish to make.
7. to maintain close family and friend group relationships, which in our constantly changing world are more important than ever.

When you reflect on these areas, what do you see as an area you would like to improve on or be more skilled in? What benefit would there be for you and your child? Where would you seek help and/or knowledge in this area? Would you be more comfortable with a professional in this area, discussing ideas with a friend who has similar experiences or researching information through books and/or the internet?

Most changes begin with one small action. If you could make one small action today to start to create a positive change to the relationship with yourself and your child, what would that be? Could you commit to doing this now? Could you ask for help? What would be the reward/benefit to you and your family?

Take a moment to create a picture of how you would like your family to be now. See where it is like this as well as where it is not. When you have identified the areas of improvement, what could you do to start making these adjustments? Would you find it helpful to get coaching/help in these areas from someone who is experienced in supporting and encouraging positive change in our current parenting style? In knowing what you really want it is easier to do what you need to do to create it. Could asking yourself these questions, then taking action provide you with the outcome you would like?

Consider that if you were the only one you could change or who could take action right now, what would you do to create a better relationship with your child and have a happier home environment?

Kirsty www.unity-qld.com.au

MY IVF EXPERIENCE

My husband and I decided, after careful consideration and family discussion, that another addition to our family of 4 was something we all wanted whole heartedly.

After my second child I had got my ‘tubes clipped’ (technical term!), at 30 years old. On deciding to have my 3rd child I was 37. We went to our doctor who weighed up different options with us. We decided on IVF as to attempt to reconnect tubes was a complicated surgery and rates of success were low. IVF seemed a better option. So I began preparing my body for ‘growing’ my little person and the onslaught of medication required for IVF. There are many websites that you can visit that fully describe this process; I was taken care of by the Queensland Fertility Group in Australia.

There were three main aspects of my preparation. These included:

. Gaining support from my close friends and family, who all agreed to see this baby as already choosing to be here and the IVF process and pregnancy as being successful. There was never any negative talk around me of it not being ok this time or a failed attempt.

. Preparing my body, being in optimal health. Eating right, clearing out any ‘toxins’ from my body (detoxing) and supportive supplement programme. I researched anything I could find on programs that were being found to be successful in this area of nutritionally preparing your body for pregnancy and also natural hormonal balancing programs to minimise possibilities of miscarriage.

· I created ‘wish posters/vision boards’ of pregnancy and babies, positive affirmations to support already enjoying a healthy pregnancy, I memorised each stage of what the IVF process was preparing my body for and also foetal development and when this time arrived already imagined my body doing that exact thing. My husband and I went and bought a pram knowing that our baby would be in it in approx 9 months.

I was so excited I shared this with my carers/nurses at the fertility clinic. They were amazing, however often talked in what I considered the negative. When I bought this up to them they said it was part of what they had to do as they were being realistic with patients to lessen their pain and reduce their hope in case it didn’t happen. This didn’t wash with me and I was very disappointed by this particular attitude. I am a firm believer in what we can see in our minds we can achieve in our lives. I also talked to them about my research and usage of nutritional methods. Again they kindly dismissed my findings as being overall unproven and possibly ineffective.

I also found this carried through on confirmation of pregnancy. They said that they do not view it as successful until the 12 week mark and heartbeat is checked. I can understand their logic, however again this bought up fear rather than joy. Not good for mother or baby at this point I believe. So I decided to keep up my 3 step regime and know that my baby and I were growing together each day.

My preparations before partaking in IVF programme were to detox my body. You can find a method that seems right for you, based on advice from an appropriate professional in this area. I found that eating lots of fresh food, taking a good quality natural mineral supplement, multivitamin and powerful antioxidant was purposeful. I also took an essential fatty acid supplement (for hormonal balancing) and a supplement that included Co-enzyme Q10 (to promote a healthy womb lining) supportive. I also increased protein in my diet support egg production. I used a wild yam cream to promote hormonal balance and create ‘good eggs’. I exercised regularly and drank about 2 litres of water daily. I reduced caffeine intake (am a tea lover, so chose not to cut it out completely!). Our diet was already predominately organic as my eldest son has chemical and food intolerances, so this was supportive.

Upon testing my husband and I had no fertility issues other than our age (their opinion!), and due to my mind and body preparations the IVF drugs they gave me took too well. My dose was reduced and I ended up enduring painful ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome. This was overcome and many healthy eggs were harvested. My husband did his part, and then the little eggs and swimmers joined to become the beginning of my amazing son.

I kept up my mineral and multivitamin and wild yam regime during pregnancy. I also kept up a ‘healthy pregnancy’ routine to support my baby’s growth. In the last 3 months I took an essential fatty acid supplement to support a few different things as well as baby brain development and a good quality pro biotic to support good bacteria in my stomach and for baby and delivery channel. Apparently IVF babies and babies of older mothers are generally smaller in size – this wasn’t our experience.

So on the exact due date, our beautiful 3rd child came ‘flying out’ into the world.

The medications/drugs required for IVF threw my system out. I am still attempting to get my weight down again (2 years on) and rebalance my hormones. However, this was a small price to pay for the wonderful human being we welcomed into our world. My other children (11yrs and 13 yrs) love him to bits and I find that this time I am a more patient and confident parent.

Always consult with an expert in this field and research credible information when going through or considering any fertility treatment.

"Your future depends on many things , but mostly on you."
Kirsty – http://www.unity-qld.com.au/

BECOMING A PARENT

In this ‘chapter’ of my Parenting blog, I will be sharing with you:

· Part 1 - Finding out I am pregnant
· Part 2 - Getting organised and ready
· Part 3 - Welcoming this amazing new human and the first 3 months.

PART 1 - FINDING OUT I AM PREGNANT
There are many different situations and circumstances that lead up to finding out that we are pregnant. It could be planned, it could be a surprise, we could feel too young or too old, we could be prepared or feel unprepared, we could be ready and feel supported or not ready and totally unsupported. Whatever your situation the fact remains, you are pregnant.
I have found most parents, including myself, that have got confirmation that they are now ‘growing’ a little person, are presented with a set of thoughts and questions. These can include:

· Am I being healthy enough?
· Am I going to have enough resources, time, money, support and the like?
· When do I tell everyone?
· Will I go full term?
· Will the baby be ok?
· How long can I keep working? (if you are working)
· Will this affect my work and the way my employer treats me?
· How can I watch my weight gain?
· When to go back to work after birth?
· What sort of parent do I want to be?
· Am I ready for this?
· What type of pregnancy care do I want?
· I am getting too much advice/not enough advice from well meaning people?
· Do I go out and buy a library of books and magazines on the subject??

From my experience I will share with you my thoughts on these.

Am I healthy enough? The answer to this will vary depending on your current health status and circumstances. I have found the general rule is to eat smaller meals, instead of 3 times a day, possibly 5 times a day. If you are experiencing morning sickness you may feel this is impossible; however there are always opportunities to have small portions to replenish your system. Eat fresh food as much as possible, even some organic selections. Lots of leafy greens and yellow vegetables, and a couple of pieces of fruit. Drink water where possible and avoid sugary and high caffeine drinks. Include servings of food that include calcium, protein, carbohydrates, and vitamin c, iron and whole grains each day.
Exercise is also important, depending again on what you were doing before you were ‘expecting’, you can keep doing this with approval from your Doctor, or take up a light alternative, possibly walking.

Am I going to have enough resources, time, money, support and the like? Even though this question may play on your mind, it is not something to consider right now. For the first couple of weeks of finding out you can focus more on just accepting that this is a new beginning for you and how wonderful you are to be creating this.

When do I tell everyone? This question can only be answered by you. You may want to tell everyone immediately or hold off for the first 3 months. You and your partner may have differing ideas on this. You may want to tell important people in your life first. This is completely up to you; there is no right or wrong time.

Will I go full term/will the baby be ok? These are questions best put to your chosen practitioner or specialist. Whilst many well meaning people who love you would like to answer these questions for you, it is your body, your experience and your ‘expert’ is the best person to direct these questions to.

Work?? During the 1st trimester this is usually an area (depending on your work of course) that you do not immediately need to address. Start thinking about ideas and scenarios that you would like to play out, see what each entails in detail. This will allow you to make a fully informed decision, knowing all the pros and cons when it is time to share your plan.

What sort of parent do I want to be/Am I ready for this? There are many variables to this question for example; your situation, your support, do you want to parent like your parents, you definitely don’t want to parent like your parents, you admire your friends and their parenting styles, you work, you don’t work, you have no one to model your parenting on.

Whatever your situation, sit down and ask yourself:-
· What is important to me in my life now?
· What do I feel is important when parenting?
· What do I want my child/ren to see me like?
· What qualities do I admire in others who are parents?
· How do I look after my wellbeing, so I can be a good parent?
· How do I learn more about parenting?
· What do I want my child/ren to see as important?
· How can I be addressing my needs, my home and work responsibilities as well as the needs of my child/ren easily each day?
· How can my child/ren feel a part of their bigger family unit?

As you consider these questions, you may come up with others. I find it helpful to journal my ideas and go back over them to compile a list of what it is I really want and why. I also find it helpful to focus on what I do want, not what I don’t.

The most valuable resource I found during my pregnancies was a book called What to Expect When you’re Expecting. It provided a step by step guide as well as amazing insights and shared thoughts. With this book I felt fully prepared with each one, even though they were all very different experiences.
I have also found recently this amazing service offered in Brisbane Qld, Embracing Motherhood, http://www.embracingmotherhood.com/.

These insights are my own findings and opinions, please always check with your Doctor and significant others for advise and assistance where required.

INTRODUCTION TO PARENTING BLOG

Welcome to my first Blog post. I am so excited about this next ‘leg’ of my journey. I read amazing blogs often that have made a difference to me, so when deciding what I was going to ‘blog’ about my main aim was to write about an area I could really help people in. In my business this can be many and varied.


So in the end I decided to commit to the next few months of looking at Parenting. I will write from my own experience, as well as my knowledge. At the end of each ‘chapter’ I will interview someone I know who has had similar experiences in that area.


My plan is to write a couple of times a week. Each couple of weeks will cover each area I choose to share about parenting. The topics I have decided on are:


· New Parents
· Working Parents & ‘to work or not to work’ That Is The Questions!
· Parents of Tweens and Teens
· Single Parenting
· Parenting during separation
· Parenting of children with behavioural issues or presenting with challenges
· Parent guilt


Each topic will include looking at areas of:


· Communication
· Health and wellbeing
· Environment
· Resources
· Supportive relationships
· Values of all involved and how to bridge the ‘gaps’
· My experiences, errors in judgements and how I overcome and won
· Finding clarity and direction
· Coaching exercises


My desire is to provide parent/carer coaching for people looking to develop coping strategies to excel in parenting and care giving, as well as excel in their own life. In raising your awareness to your current situation and your needs you will find that you are better equipped to lead your child in a more positive and productive direction. In understanding yourself and developing new habits you will find a more fulfilling relationship developing with the children in your care as well as those around you.


· Would you like to understand your child?
· Would you like to feel more connection and harmony within your environment and those around you?
· Would you like to feel more satisfied and excited about all that you are doing and want to do?
· Would you like to feel heard and appreciated?
· Would you like to understand what is important to you and what is important to the children in your care then bridge the gap between the two?
· Would you like to be a champion for your child?


If you answered yes to any of these questions my blog is for you.


In no way do I present myself as the expert. I am a mother of 3 children, a nearly 2yr old boy, nearly 12 yr old girl and a 13 ½ year old boy. All are my most amazing achievements and my most influential teachers. All also have presented challenges overtime that I learnt to overcome.


I have been in a less that desirable marriage, been a single mother (at times successfully and at other times no so), now in a wonderful marriage (yes, got it right the 2nd time!). My oldest was my third pregnancy and born with complications that turned out to be related to chemical and food intolerances. My last was an IVF baby. My first was a c-section birth, next 2 natural (if that is what you call it!) births.


I look forward to sharing with you my thoughts, experiences, discoveries and findings.



Kirsty - http://www.unity-qld.com.au/